"Welcome to the roller coaster of being in the NICU. This will probably not be the last time you cry, it is completely normal and understandable." That is what I was told tonight as I stood in the NICU having my first (I hope not of too many) breakdown of uncontrollable crying...which coincidentally has not really been able to stop since. I think that my crying has a lot to do with lack of sleep, hormones, and medication as well but I just couldn't help it.
Both girls were sleeping today when we got to the NICU and as much as I wanted to sit and talk to them and watch them for hours, they probably need their rest to be able to grow and do what they need to do. I can only imagine what their daily activities must do to their energy stores and that they probably need tons of rest. When we first got there I stopped off to see Reagan and spoke with her nurse. She told me that Reagan needed some extra caffeine today and they had to do something to help her pH in her body...she said she would get the nurse practitioner to explain it to me. Instead a doctor came and spoke with us and she explained that because Reagan's heart murmur (a.k.a. PDA) has not yet closed off, they have had to do some things to balance things in her body. She should have an ultrasound of her heart tomorrow and we are hoping to hear around 2 how things are looking. If her PDA has not closed, then they will attempt to treat it with medication one more time and then the next step would be surgery.
For a couple of days, Cameron has had a distended stomach and bowel. One nurse called the way it looked as "loopy." The nurse practitioner said that this could be due to the fact that she had not had a bowel movement since birth or it could be signs of something else going on in her stomach. They gave her a "chip" and she had a bowel movement last night. Then, she had an x-ray today. There is still some concern about her stomach and intestines, so they have given her another "chip" to see if she still just needs to go to the bathroom more. If not, then, there may be something else going on. This was not new news tonight but I guess I thought that things maybe had gotten some better yesterday. The good news is it has not gotten worse. However, the big I word "infection" is such a scary word when you are dealing with such teeny tiny babies.
After talking with the doctor I went over to go and visit Cameron. She was laying on her tummy but I looked in her incubator and there she was looking right at me. Her beautiful eyes. I stood there and talked to her and told her how much I loved her and missed her since yesterday. As I talked to her I began to get overwhelmed with how much I loved her and how helpless I felt and how much I would do to ensure that she was not in pain and that she could just work on growing and getting better and I just started to cry and had to walk out of the room. Oh how I pray that using the bathroom is the solution to the problem and not an infection of some sort. I know that God is in control and He has had His hand in everything so far but for some reason I still continue to think that I am in some way in control of all of this and can do anything about it. The truth is, the only reason that our girls are even here is because God has had control since the beginning and I have to keep reminding myself of the miracles that He has given us and the ones that He is even doing right now despite the setbacks or worries that may be in front of us for the moment.
So, I know that all of you are praying already but if you wouldn't mind praying specifically I would appreciate it.
Reagan - pray that her PDA closes with medication and that she does not need surgery. she has an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning
Cameron - please pray that her stomach/intestinal issues are resolved and that she doesn't have an infection...please also pray that if things are not resolved that she would respond to whatever form of treatment the doctors feel necessary